What for we live...

I know that some of my classmates are reading this blog, so please fasten your sit-belts before reading this post cause it's gonna be a kind of shocking;)
Yesterday I got sms from one of my best friends from school with whom I shared 1 desk since 4 years (Lyays) that she has got a son!!!!!!!
Lyays is a mother and she has a baby!!!!!
That's from one side totally shocking, from the other side am very-very much happy for her and find it to be a great news.
I really adore how fast she did it, married last march and in a year having already a son, although in school I could never believe that she'll ever marry.
She's an active learner, she was involved in sooo many activities while being at school, she always wanted to learn smth knew, she participated in all programms which are possible, being in uni, she visited german school after 1st year, then learnt spanish by herself, went to Spain for summer school. She came to Moscow so often to participate in different contest, but now she's home with her husband and son, writing diploma and enjoying the life, real adults LIFE.
I remember once at school I asked her what for you learn so much and do so much, she said that she doesnt learn to earn money in future (her farther was at that moment the Minister of Finance in Baschkortostan and till now is the President of National Bank), but to be able to educate her own children, that she told 6 years ago... And now it's true... All her parents and grandparents and grand-grandparents are the doctors of science, but all women in her family never worked for money although having degree, just doing education in universities for example.
I am happy for her very much like I wrote but am also envious and that also made me think about myself for instance. I got acquainted with Erkan and we had already 1st name for our baby even before she got acquainted with her future husband, even a year before. But since then we are just dreaming and dreaming with Erkan, quarelling from time to time, while people are really building their lives...
Another my very-very close friend marries this summer, she also got acqauinted with her boyfriend a year later after we did with Erkan...
I dont know what happened to my mind-set this November when I was declined austrian visa and couldnt go to Innsbruck to apply to university there. That very moment I understood that I stay in Moscow, I decided to apply for EB, I started doing @ every day and being invlved more and more into it. I understood whom I gonna work and what can I do in Austria, how can I develop myself and so on....My dream changed...
WHY?
AM sitting now here and thinking that wasnt it me who was ready to drop uni? To come to Erkan, marry and give babies? Wasnt it me who stayed and looked for baby's playgrounds and dreamt to be soon the happy mother?
Isnt it still me?
I am, cause am writing now these words and having tears in my face.
Why? Why? I told to Erkan that I am not gonna give babies at leats 1st 2years after marriage why I told that I need to reach that and that? Why I said that I studied and learnt my whole life not to ruin everything in 1 moment becoming a mither? Why I told that I'll always have time to give birth?
What do I actually really wanna?
Are you making plans for your future or giving babies to the world?
It's up to me:)