По-русски... Депрессивно...

Никто меня не любит и никому я не нужна...
Я хочется быть любимой, беззащитной, чувствовать поддержку...
Почему, когда я ежемесячно куда-то уезжала, не было такого момента, чтобы у меня на руках не было билета или визы в паспорте, он говорил, что я ему нужна, а теперь...когда я готова приехать к нему, вернее даже ПЕРЕехать к нему, он говорит: приезжай, и ничегошеньки не делает,чтобы приблизить этот момент...
Почему он говорил раньше, что я вся его жизнь, а теперь я стала лишь ее частью...
Почему, когда я говорю, что я беззащитна и мне нужно его решение, он говорит, чтобы я всё решала сама, ведь я так делала последние 3 года?
И что, из-за каких-то моих нескольких конференций, по сути, суммировав лишь несколько месяцев из всех 4х летних отношений, он теперь всю жизнь будет говорить, что он мне не нужен?
А он ведь нужен!!! А я... Говорит, что не так как раньше... А я хочу быть нужной, понятной и любимой, хочу внимания, хочу чтобы мной жили... Ну неужели это много? От человека, которой собирался провести со мной остаток всей своей жизни.... Говорит, что любит... А разве любовь это не когда, тебе человек прежде всего нужен????
Ничего не понимаю... Ничего :((((((

Путешествие из Петербурха в Москву... or vica versa =)

Люблю тебя Петра творенье
Люблю твой строгий, стройный вид,
Невы державное теченье,
Береговой ее гранит…

Just 4h ago returned from St. Pete, really, one of the coolest weekends I had so far, watching the city, enjoying architecture, meeting old friends and people you know, parting hard, visiting glamour places and really “piter” places like Chaynaja Lojka and Frikadelka on Griboedov’s Kanal, reading the book in the Books House on Nevsky with a View to Kazansky Temple, meeting people from 40 countries at one weekend, and sharing talks at night in the train…. Faces that stuck in my head, phrases and talks I am still thinking over, thoughts and ideas which attacking me…. Really a huge emotional load =)))))
Decision of mind, not soul….

Really met a lot of people of different conferences that I’ve attended since 3 years, most of these people I know from CEEMoS in Poland, or ITC in Romania, or other national conferences that I’ve attended as trainer or delegate… That is my generation of AIESECers, the people who’ll lead AIESEC countries next year and me… February was the turning point like I wrote in this blog, it was the time to decide and my mind has chosen the option to finish AIESEC, to get my practical experience, enjoy the time with Erkan and get financial independent from my parents…
I really enjoy the time in E&Y, was sharing it with Sasha in train on the way to St. Pete, am satisfied with sums of money I have, although it’s just interns salary, but still twice higher than in any MC you would get working daily and nightly…
But seeing all these people evokes such a great wish for me to realize my potential in terms of AIESEC, develop me personally, do something great for the organization, really noticeable contribution, meet all these people again and again, meet new smart people, have nice time together, enjoying what you do… All these questions of people: and what are you doing in AIESEC now? – I am having my internship in E&Y…and I really like there… Asked Lina and Inna if they have the same feeling, they say they don’t… Did I have to go to the end to realize my potential or is it time, at 23, start my adult life already…
My mind has chosen the logical part, but soul is still doubting…
People I love
However, am more than happy with my weekend cause of concentration of people whom I love there, at one place… It’s pleasure to meet you, it’s pleasure to talk to you, to dance, to drink…Some of you I see daily, some weekly, some just few times in a year… Vika from St. Pete, Aga from Poland, Tony from Bulgaria, Sasha, Katya, Lina and Inna from Moscow… We were dancing at party and I looked: here you are, all around… so near, everybody together, was really astonishing moment for me…
Thank you, for just being there…
Enjoyed the time with Vika from Koenig and Jenya Abasheva, was really nice to talk to you, girls…
For me people are the most important and these 3 years of AIESEC made me face such nice people like you, that is the most valuable what I get from it…
Really…

Moreover, our LC Moscow table was amazing, the results of our LC where we are now, are really astonishing, and we 5 generations, sitting there, sharing and having fun, making fotos, everybody contributed to its development throughout these years… these people…people.. People… really great…
Glamour life…

Still, it was not the big tragedy for me as it may sound, cause we came to have fun there… Having breakfast in the hotel’s restaurant, taking the taxi to the city centre, having 2nd breaksfast in the restaurant…Thinking where to spend money more as it’s really cold outside… It’s really extremely cheap in St. Pete, especially for our-life style ;) The way out: take the cheapest train to St. Pete and go to the most expensive places there ;) More Glamour jokes:
-Пойдёмте в Стокманн, мне надо купить колготки…
- А мне шарф на вечер
- А у меня нет сумочки для коктейля
- И у меня…
- Вы что? Девушка в коктейльном платье без сумочки для коктейля выглядит дешево…. Как будто она забыла свою сумочку неизвестно где… И честь тоже там же =)
***
В ресторан входит хорошо выглядящая женщина с кучей пакетов Луи Витон, Дольче и Габана и т.п. :
- Вот это настоящий гламур, а вы надо мной прикалываетесь
- Да ладно, наверное тоже из Москвы на плацкарте приехала =)
***
-Сегодня с утра в коридоре в гостинице видела девушку на шпильках, завернутую в одеяло, больше на ней ничего не было
- Да, по-моему забыть платье для коктейля всё хуже, чем забыть сумочку =)
The beauty of St. Pete….

Jokes beside, but still St. Pete is a nice city, the nature and architecture are amazing… Although all 3 times I’ve been there it snowed and was really cold, I went here and there, walked Nevsky along to make pictures… Noticing what the eye doesn’t see from the 1st sight…
It’s a nice city to spend time, prices are low, although the supply of places is not worse than in Moscow, there is a special spirit of Russian literature, thinking there always of Pushkin and Dostoevsky… There’s a special spirit of culture in this city with all it’s museums, monuments, parks, palaces, bridges and alleys…

Big city life

A long weekend in big city is the time when you can feel yourself as lonely as never before.... A weekend for me means already known route from cofee-house to shokoladntisa, from il patio to mia piace, from Okhotniy Ryad to Evropeiskiy on Kievskaya, from Formula Kino to 35 mm....
For sure weekends also include new cafee found somewhere in the center like belgium cafee with bread and praline (Sasha, privet!) or Bou-cafee on Tsvetnoi Boulvar....
A lot of issues discussed with my friends, a lot of jokes, new gossips, new desires, everything what can take place on weekend, but still when I think what would be an ideal weekend of 8th March for Masha 2010, what do I imagine?

Am I returning with my Gyl-bag from the weekend somewhere in Europe and strive to reach home and go asap to bed to get up 2morow in 7am to go to job?
Am I sitting in coffe-house, visit new exhibition, watch new Oscar-candidate movie with my friends?
Or am I watching soccer laying on sofa with Erkan and having bbq in the balcony?

I don’t know but having the mood to have the 3rd now, is it cause 1st 2 I already have and experience or is the 3rd really the most wanted by me?
I don’t know why again I have such mood to dig my soul deeply... Is it cause yoga so popular now or I really want to make it? Is it cause coach-programm fromWH needed to me or it’s just cool to have it? Is it cause Gabiza told it helps to reflect or cause she’s PAI?
To escape from big city I left it on Saturday morning for 3 days for a little village somewhere 40th km away, Mashka and her datcha were again the same hospitable to me like months before... The only thing changed were the snow rows up to the knees instead of mentol plants ready to be picked up for mojito ;)
So mojito was replaced by wine, champagne and martini (my standart kit for last 5 (omg) days).... And then bbq, banya, shisha and other stuff followed... No cofee (just self-made by mashka for breakfast, mmmh), no pizza, no glamour-life =) Many sms and some phone calls with nice wishings for Women’s Day and non-stop soviet movies...Leshas guitar songs devoted to Katya... Are they sweet... In-house golf, Mashka’s Lowenbegger bigger than she and stripped cats....Really different and nice time, just 2h away of Moscow...
However, big city life couldn’t avoid me even this weekend and was caught by Lina on my way back.... Again cofee, pizza, shopping and here I am, writing my blog...
Next weekend will be also different....We’ll have local conference for young students who wants to join AIESEC this year, elections of our successors for next term and Cebula is coming to Moscow.... Remembering myself a year ago, passionate about bringing success to my LC, passionate about building up strong people in my LC, passionate about working with my dear team-mates,passionate about bringing many foreigners to Moscow and changing people’s lives....
Reflecting this Thursday.... Sitting in Mu-mu and drinking beer with the people who brought me to AIESEC, with the people with whom I worked together throughout all these years, with the people whom I brought to AIESEC and for sure with interns whom I brought to Moscow, people for whom Moscow became professional experience abroad... Felt really happy... Where would that people be if some of us would not see an AIESEC-poster in university once? Nobody knows... But I really feel my contribution to our success, to changing people’s life...
Whenever I work, live and spend weekends, I wanna stay change agent...

Ducks....

Meine kleine Entchen schwimmen auf dem See,
Kopflein unters wasser, Schwaenzchen in die hoe'

Every day has the new adventure.... The new mood... The new experience... My experience in E&Y I associate with little ducks whom I watch every morning... Am angry with them when am angry with myself, share my lunch with them (like today) and just enjoy watching them...
I hated ducks in the morning cause was noticed by watching them... I thought: why am always dreaming, what people think in the morning hurring to their working places... Last thing they think of is ducks...Am I careless... Having thousands of ideas in 1 seconds in my head which fly through and I am even not able to catch them all.... Reached my work place and the big pink post-it "attention & concentration" appeared right on the place of Lissabon which was shining to me from the wall.... "No ducks, no sun, no dreams - just work, attentive, concentrated work" - I thought....
However this lasted till the lunch when Lina listening to my agony, proposed to feed ducks in Moscow river.... That put the things to its places... (for some period of time)...
I am how I am... Loving ducks, enjoying movies but not cars, dreaming, striving, mistaking and searching my way again...And that doesnt prevent me from liking taxes and understanding them ;)

Just happy...

Was rereading my own blog and noticed one tendetion, in the end of february am always happy... To follow the feelings, I should be disappointed in the 1st week of march and then enjoy its rest.
It was a year ago when I learned to be positive and now I am....
What will happen in a year with me? Set up my goals for 2008. Ambitous and smart.
Today I could celebrate a month of my internship in E&Y... Starting to like it more and more... Starting my day with watching ducks in Moscow-river... They are working hard with their legs under the water or just gulping it hiding their heads.... Amazing feeling for a positive morning... Being less and less associall and really enjoying the intensive development I have there. I start to like the area I work in more and more, reading interesting articles, even in metro, even on weekend... Still feeling myself to be blond when asked something... opening wikipedia so often to type in: ARD, TP and other stuffs.... as long as I get at least 1 new word or process a day, I enjoy my development... So much new things to discover.... Really motivates me....
Working across the road with Lina is also nice, having lunches together and cocktails after work... ;) Darling, thanks for nice time today....
Last week was the week of my friends... Supported them as I could and get the positive energy from it.... Also tender talks with Erkan contribute....
Today bought the tickets to St. Pete, going there on 22nd of march to see the people from all other the Europe whom I missed and hoped to see one day... How much I would like to participate in X pro, to spend a week, not a weekend there, learn with them, party with them, share with them and get motivation together... But we always have choices and that is the choice I've made... We always sacrifice something to get something new....
This week I also had 2 meetings with my coach from WardHowell, where I participate in coaching-programm, she just told that my personal priorities go across my professional interests and proposed to approach the psycho to solve it ;)
Either am insanly happy or happily insane....