U know it happenns usually when the fruit is put into shaker, the fruit doesnt experience its best time but after that very tasty and healthy juice comes out...Once I was asked which drink I would be if I would be a drink actually and I replied that orange juice.
And so I am now. After these 2 weeks. I loaded myself in train filled with tears and tempreture cause was still ill and quarelled with Erkan before leaving to Saratov. He was very surprised of that I really leaving to Plan-it and since then I didnt hear his voice...We were speaking just 15 min before I left home cause in previous evening he ignored me to meet.
Yet I was very happy and exited to meet my new term at Plan-it. We went with whole EB-team in 1 train, starting working (mostly having fun) already there;)
Well, Plan-it itself was tough, the permanent +15 temp and the absence of warm water and actually shower made its deal and spoiled the conference as much as it could + boring facis contributed to the thing that at the 4th day of conference I though that its 1st conference at my @-life that demotivated me. Then I realised that that are not the facis who should motivate me, and that evening I started to communicate more with delegates, that were brilliant and interesting people, who inspired me much.
I was standing with 1 girl from Ufa at balcony and watching to Volga when she told me: I am looking forward and seeing the space which is lightened with the lamp and then nothing and on the other bank of river, I see lights in the windows, the same is with my next term. I am shown now my 1st steps and what I should archieve in the end of the year and what’s between is completely dark for me.
That 16 year old girl continued blowing my mind the whole conference through....
But it was not the end. At award eveing I realised that your success depends just on you. If you smile at your results they are good, if u cant stop complaining (like Moscow did this time) everybody considers them bad... I was amazed by SPUEF who also didnt reach much this year but positioned themselves as though champions and they were taken like that. Think that depends also on spirit inside the team.
Throughout all the conference I wrote to Erkan as much as I could but didnt get much reply, few lines a day about the weather situation in Ibk actuallyL Really not good.
We slept with Mashka, Sashka and 4e at 2 beds which we put together to get warmer but still got ill and fighnting with coughing and temp continued learning process. My functional VP, Bora from Turkey, is really special, think he’s having problems with communications, not only language, but he just cant understand what he means. Напишу следующую строчку на русском, чтобы не повадно было. Пыталась Бору поддержать в эти дни и, сама того не заметя, чуть не влюбилась с него (слава богу, длилось этого всего 1 день) и я вовремя остановилась.
So after Plan-it filled with contacts, illness and cold, and usatisfied expectations next training came. It was Train-the-trainers Seminar hold by Katya and Anya from SPUEF. That seminar was really worth to visit and at least it was THE reason to come to Saratov, so the point for me not to regret. Not the content, but I think more the atmosphere and attitude made it special for me. Fighting with my illness I managed to be there till the end and really enjoy every moment, yet we also shared 1 host with Katya & Anya and with Kaliningrad delegation and could share much on the way home and to place where seminar took place (oooh poor girl the owner of the flat and poor parents of her). Cause at daytime we were there 10 people and to oversleep there gathered the whole MC team of 14 people different nationalitiesJ
Especially I liked sharing moments with Katya, esp when we layed last day on the sofa, showinf pics to each other;) Then it was time for me to leave to Ufa by super-train Astrakhan – MakhachkalaJ There, in train I got big sms ( a poem) from Erkanim that he loves me and suffers and I broke his feelings, he wants to leave me but doesnt know what to do.
It’s really hurtng for us both. But think he makes the situation worse, at that rare moments when I manage to catch him online he says: he doesnt know, I should improve the situation, when I ask how, he says I know him so well and I should understand, when I say I dont know, he says I should analyze. I really dont know what he expects from me now and i I would know, I would immed do that. He says the decision of being together will come when he is in Msk and its already forming but what direction he also doesnt reply.
Am worring of the situation so much and think mum even influences that more asking every day of him. My nieces are brilliant. Little Katya is so sweet she started to speak already and says so often: Masyaaaa, gde Ekaaa? And at dasha’s mobile when u turn it on the greeting line is : Masha & Erkan.
Really everything reminds of him and lets me think of him, am so much afraid to lose him and am ready to do everything to stay together.
Concerning my family, its really strange, cause when I am with them, its hard, mym fucks really my mind, dasha jumps around...And little Katya is wonderfully sweet and speaks already with me, she recongnises me and we play so much last days as I mostly sit home as far as I am ill.
Her scratches arent seenable much and I tell you this girl is really sweet.
My sis tries to heal me and even made me ‘banki’, yet yday we went to disco with her and Irka where we could live through 80-s disco, which was actually 90 and which we enjoyed a lot. We has everything: conflicts with people, who took our table, drink, eat, dance, overliving hapiness of luck when we won, and of disappointment when we got that it’s shell oil and not the germany-tiur like we expected.
Still. The disco was cool and special thanks to my sis.
So, this is my current state now, ill, happy and lost of dont knowing what to do with Erkan.
Yet, am sleeping in and think will fall dowm to bed after this post.
No comments:
Post a Comment