Big city life

A long weekend in big city is the time when you can feel yourself as lonely as never before.... A weekend for me means already known route from cofee-house to shokoladntisa, from il patio to mia piace, from Okhotniy Ryad to Evropeiskiy on Kievskaya, from Formula Kino to 35 mm....
For sure weekends also include new cafee found somewhere in the center like belgium cafee with bread and praline (Sasha, privet!) or Bou-cafee on Tsvetnoi Boulvar....
A lot of issues discussed with my friends, a lot of jokes, new gossips, new desires, everything what can take place on weekend, but still when I think what would be an ideal weekend of 8th March for Masha 2010, what do I imagine?

Am I returning with my Gyl-bag from the weekend somewhere in Europe and strive to reach home and go asap to bed to get up 2morow in 7am to go to job?
Am I sitting in coffe-house, visit new exhibition, watch new Oscar-candidate movie with my friends?
Or am I watching soccer laying on sofa with Erkan and having bbq in the balcony?

I don’t know but having the mood to have the 3rd now, is it cause 1st 2 I already have and experience or is the 3rd really the most wanted by me?
I don’t know why again I have such mood to dig my soul deeply... Is it cause yoga so popular now or I really want to make it? Is it cause coach-programm fromWH needed to me or it’s just cool to have it? Is it cause Gabiza told it helps to reflect or cause she’s PAI?
To escape from big city I left it on Saturday morning for 3 days for a little village somewhere 40th km away, Mashka and her datcha were again the same hospitable to me like months before... The only thing changed were the snow rows up to the knees instead of mentol plants ready to be picked up for mojito ;)
So mojito was replaced by wine, champagne and martini (my standart kit for last 5 (omg) days).... And then bbq, banya, shisha and other stuff followed... No cofee (just self-made by mashka for breakfast, mmmh), no pizza, no glamour-life =) Many sms and some phone calls with nice wishings for Women’s Day and non-stop soviet movies...Leshas guitar songs devoted to Katya... Are they sweet... In-house golf, Mashka’s Lowenbegger bigger than she and stripped cats....Really different and nice time, just 2h away of Moscow...
However, big city life couldn’t avoid me even this weekend and was caught by Lina on my way back.... Again cofee, pizza, shopping and here I am, writing my blog...
Next weekend will be also different....We’ll have local conference for young students who wants to join AIESEC this year, elections of our successors for next term and Cebula is coming to Moscow.... Remembering myself a year ago, passionate about bringing success to my LC, passionate about building up strong people in my LC, passionate about working with my dear team-mates,passionate about bringing many foreigners to Moscow and changing people’s lives....
Reflecting this Thursday.... Sitting in Mu-mu and drinking beer with the people who brought me to AIESEC, with the people with whom I worked together throughout all these years, with the people whom I brought to AIESEC and for sure with interns whom I brought to Moscow, people for whom Moscow became professional experience abroad... Felt really happy... Where would that people be if some of us would not see an AIESEC-poster in university once? Nobody knows... But I really feel my contribution to our success, to changing people’s life...
Whenever I work, live and spend weekends, I wanna stay change agent...

Ducks....

Meine kleine Entchen schwimmen auf dem See,
Kopflein unters wasser, Schwaenzchen in die hoe'

Every day has the new adventure.... The new mood... The new experience... My experience in E&Y I associate with little ducks whom I watch every morning... Am angry with them when am angry with myself, share my lunch with them (like today) and just enjoy watching them...
I hated ducks in the morning cause was noticed by watching them... I thought: why am always dreaming, what people think in the morning hurring to their working places... Last thing they think of is ducks...Am I careless... Having thousands of ideas in 1 seconds in my head which fly through and I am even not able to catch them all.... Reached my work place and the big pink post-it "attention & concentration" appeared right on the place of Lissabon which was shining to me from the wall.... "No ducks, no sun, no dreams - just work, attentive, concentrated work" - I thought....
However this lasted till the lunch when Lina listening to my agony, proposed to feed ducks in Moscow river.... That put the things to its places... (for some period of time)...
I am how I am... Loving ducks, enjoying movies but not cars, dreaming, striving, mistaking and searching my way again...And that doesnt prevent me from liking taxes and understanding them ;)

Just happy...

Was rereading my own blog and noticed one tendetion, in the end of february am always happy... To follow the feelings, I should be disappointed in the 1st week of march and then enjoy its rest.
It was a year ago when I learned to be positive and now I am....
What will happen in a year with me? Set up my goals for 2008. Ambitous and smart.
Today I could celebrate a month of my internship in E&Y... Starting to like it more and more... Starting my day with watching ducks in Moscow-river... They are working hard with their legs under the water or just gulping it hiding their heads.... Amazing feeling for a positive morning... Being less and less associall and really enjoying the intensive development I have there. I start to like the area I work in more and more, reading interesting articles, even in metro, even on weekend... Still feeling myself to be blond when asked something... opening wikipedia so often to type in: ARD, TP and other stuffs.... as long as I get at least 1 new word or process a day, I enjoy my development... So much new things to discover.... Really motivates me....
Working across the road with Lina is also nice, having lunches together and cocktails after work... ;) Darling, thanks for nice time today....
Last week was the week of my friends... Supported them as I could and get the positive energy from it.... Also tender talks with Erkan contribute....
Today bought the tickets to St. Pete, going there on 22nd of march to see the people from all other the Europe whom I missed and hoped to see one day... How much I would like to participate in X pro, to spend a week, not a weekend there, learn with them, party with them, share with them and get motivation together... But we always have choices and that is the choice I've made... We always sacrifice something to get something new....
This week I also had 2 meetings with my coach from WardHowell, where I participate in coaching-programm, she just told that my personal priorities go across my professional interests and proposed to approach the psycho to solve it ;)
Either am insanly happy or happily insane....

Am I in heaven or am I in hell? Both start from "H"

I think I found the perfect description for my life. If
everything is going well, then there's something wrong with it...
Last week I enjoyed....
I enjoyed so much that had no time to check even e-mails...
Got my 1st serious task at E&Y, was so passionate while making and thanks to tolerant manager who said: "that's not what I wanted to have", my other friends say they are being shouted at at their working place.... However, project lasted for a week and I was involved much and enjoyed it...
Erkan started to be sooo sweet, so kind and good to me, I would give everything away just to lay on his knees forever, or to hug his shoulders or touch each other with noses... Don't believe to people that love doesn't exist... I experience it since 4 years.... Walkings along the Moscow river in cold-cold February, exploding from eating,moving from restaraunt to restaraunt... Downloading series-movies and finishing 2 seasons in 1 week....
Why everything what has begining has the end?
I hope, it's just pause, and soon I'll push "play" button of my life again....

E&Y XP

Since 2 weeks I am making my internship in E&Y (sounds like AI when you pronounce it, so it should warm my heart).
This experience is really new and unexpected for me, because when u go to work for Big Four, everybody just says you'll oversleep there, you'll be loaded with work and so on and so forth...
By internal information I knew that 300 ppl left it just in January, but at the same time, almost the same amount was recruited, so if to calculate retantion rate by wrong formula you may say it's 100%.
Before going there I was really excited and thinking and even dreaming of it, worried a lot. I received there my laptop,my personal phone with my name written on it and thats it.
Since then not much action happened. My working day lasts 8h and every hour I calculate and hope when it'll pass by.
The only person who supported me there, made it positive and helped a lot left today for NY. Am very happy for her, but the next 3 months of such life seems to me unbearable.
I just dont receive any task, shy to speak with people. Yesterday I wrote e-mail to my group: dear colleagues, please consider my availability and got the reply of 3 people that I have to change my signature... And nothing more... Discussing my problems with girls and laughing it out...
Trying to remember the jokes at working place and find smth positive in it.... And the one which describes my state there is:
Доктор, мне кажется, меня все игнорируют. - Следующий!

On the way from Austria

Long time passed by since I’ve written here. Meanwhile I made 5 exams and failed one, visited Ufa and celebrated New Year there, met old and new friends, spent time with family and met my class-mates after 5 years. Unfortunately, couldnt stay there longer, but realised one thing: wanna feel self-confident – meet your classmates. Strange, but people really almost didnt change, enjoyed the time with them a lot,thank you Katya for organising this event for us ;)

Still the time was spent by drinking gluewein with Irka, champaign with sis, wine with mum and other winter activities like fireworks, tubings and skates. Payed also a lot of time and preparing to Austria trip, booking free Aeroflot ticket with Aeroflot bonus-card (little commercial) and other stuff.

On the way to Austria decided to check candidates list, 5 people for my position, 2 of whom were from AIESEC in Austria, still let me somehow doubt in my ambitious decision and were keeping me from going there (not to Austria, for confrence for sure), but Lina and Tony (great motivators) made me to take the decision to go and believe that I am cool.

My trip had 4 objectives, one of which wasnt met, I mean elections. So, with the strong believing in my ability and other stuff (had a long list of them) I went to National Conference AIESEC in Austria to run for VP there, took austrian train for the 1^st time in my life, and after 5h was in Vienna, met really nice people there, especially Julia, their VP TM, Mohcine, our chair and Alexa, who was running for my position. After 1^st day of being there, I realised that it is probably not the place where I have to be, and that besides me, there are 2 people here who really earn to take this position and I am just random person here (although very cool). During the MCP speach and party, wanted just get up and take 5h train back, to the place where I was wanted and waited for, the wish was really strong, but the word “challenge” stuck deep in my head and I was repeating: Come on, take your challenge, and tomorow you can return home. All people were really friendly but not a single one to whom I could trust, lay on shoulder hug, and share how much I was worring that evening and night, partied till 2, slept till 5, and 4h repeated my speach and got prepared, one hour stanidng in front of plenary, after that went back to my room, packed in everything ready to leave (after that thought : perhaps, I will be elected and will have to stay 1 day more for selections talks and party), then long 6h of waiting for the announcement, more of being tired than of expecting result, then already known feeling to me of staying dry in my head, and wet in the eyes, train to Innsbruck with 2 changes, to take challenge – done, and happy me in the place where I wanted to be the whole weekend through.

Happiness didnt last long, as me and Erkan, who supported me in applying, that is really strange, really lack communicating skills, then 24h of quarells followed, finished with my complaints to his mum (like kindergarden but still), packing my luggage, ready to leave and his wise proposal to go skiing, which really heals...

This year I really learnt to take challenges and strive for more, as since I torn my ligament in my feet 5years ago, I never tried jumping on skies again, skiied in the easiest tracks, just enjoying the process, and this park where we went I like for less people, good lifts, and easy tracks, which I know very well as ski there since 4 years, however, this time started to discover other tracks, going to red ones (which are more difficult), started jumping and wanted more... Got really a lot of adrenaline and also this pleasant feeling... Skiing really excites but at the same time calms down...

Tried a lot to contribute in the development of our relations with Erkan, really having strange times, one day paradise, the other is hell, still paradise is overcoming, and whatever happens, after 15 min wanna be again with him... Yes, we changed, changed a lot, and probably it’s even my fault (or initiative), but still... Postponed wedding.... Now am already thinking what for I did that... However... He’s coming in 20 days and we have finally common vision of our future ;) Really enjoyed time with him, and I really do love him...

So my trip was finished by a big shopping tour (winter sales forever) and this post in the airbus A-320.

Integrity - 5

I was just thinking what does it mean to be honest with people, and what does it mean to show your intergrity.
Many people are laughing at me or reproach me of being too honest sometimes, but what does it mean too honest?
Sometimes we just tell to the people what they dont wanna hear(although it's truth), and is it the way how to show our integrity? Is it how the Bilble prescribed us to do by saying: Do not lie...
I was thinking of it a few days ago and I realised that there are 2 ways of showing your intergrity: positive and negative....
For example, I liked the boy and he doesnt know I liked him and I try to be sensire and honest and tell to him about that, without lie, that's the positive side, but if somebody did something not well, or we didntlike something or somebody and we come up to this person and say I have nothing to hide from you: you are so..so so.... and I dont like that and so on....
Is it the thing we call integrity? Is it really needed and what will bring to us and to this person...The possible result we all know...And it'll not be the best... It's just the lack of empathy ( we dont care how the person will feel or think) and when we say that we are so proud of ourselves of being sensire... What forwe need that negative integrity? and do we really need it?
I realised it on wednesday evening, and I myself behaved not once in this way, even by writing this blog... And I started to observe my little lyings and truth what I say....
I told to Erkan about my plan to go to Austria, I watched the movie "nothing but the truth", the teenagers comedy, but it touched me till the heart...
Being sensire to people really brings you much, but if you are sensire in the positive way,
I have again the problems with visa, as I wanted to go to Conference in Austria, but the Consul called me for interview, I have a week and my mum told me to prepare, but I will not...
What do I have to hide? Nothing.... I'll just tell him the truth and let it be his decision....
Truth rules...
We'll see if it is right ;)