Am I in heaven or am I in hell? Both start from "H"

I think I found the perfect description for my life. If
everything is going well, then there's something wrong with it...
Last week I enjoyed....
I enjoyed so much that had no time to check even e-mails...
Got my 1st serious task at E&Y, was so passionate while making and thanks to tolerant manager who said: "that's not what I wanted to have", my other friends say they are being shouted at at their working place.... However, project lasted for a week and I was involved much and enjoyed it...
Erkan started to be sooo sweet, so kind and good to me, I would give everything away just to lay on his knees forever, or to hug his shoulders or touch each other with noses... Don't believe to people that love doesn't exist... I experience it since 4 years.... Walkings along the Moscow river in cold-cold February, exploding from eating,moving from restaraunt to restaraunt... Downloading series-movies and finishing 2 seasons in 1 week....
Why everything what has begining has the end?
I hope, it's just pause, and soon I'll push "play" button of my life again....

E&Y XP

Since 2 weeks I am making my internship in E&Y (sounds like AI when you pronounce it, so it should warm my heart).
This experience is really new and unexpected for me, because when u go to work for Big Four, everybody just says you'll oversleep there, you'll be loaded with work and so on and so forth...
By internal information I knew that 300 ppl left it just in January, but at the same time, almost the same amount was recruited, so if to calculate retantion rate by wrong formula you may say it's 100%.
Before going there I was really excited and thinking and even dreaming of it, worried a lot. I received there my laptop,my personal phone with my name written on it and thats it.
Since then not much action happened. My working day lasts 8h and every hour I calculate and hope when it'll pass by.
The only person who supported me there, made it positive and helped a lot left today for NY. Am very happy for her, but the next 3 months of such life seems to me unbearable.
I just dont receive any task, shy to speak with people. Yesterday I wrote e-mail to my group: dear colleagues, please consider my availability and got the reply of 3 people that I have to change my signature... And nothing more... Discussing my problems with girls and laughing it out...
Trying to remember the jokes at working place and find smth positive in it.... And the one which describes my state there is:
Доктор, мне кажется, меня все игнорируют. - Следующий!

On the way from Austria

Long time passed by since I’ve written here. Meanwhile I made 5 exams and failed one, visited Ufa and celebrated New Year there, met old and new friends, spent time with family and met my class-mates after 5 years. Unfortunately, couldnt stay there longer, but realised one thing: wanna feel self-confident – meet your classmates. Strange, but people really almost didnt change, enjoyed the time with them a lot,thank you Katya for organising this event for us ;)

Still the time was spent by drinking gluewein with Irka, champaign with sis, wine with mum and other winter activities like fireworks, tubings and skates. Payed also a lot of time and preparing to Austria trip, booking free Aeroflot ticket with Aeroflot bonus-card (little commercial) and other stuff.

On the way to Austria decided to check candidates list, 5 people for my position, 2 of whom were from AIESEC in Austria, still let me somehow doubt in my ambitious decision and were keeping me from going there (not to Austria, for confrence for sure), but Lina and Tony (great motivators) made me to take the decision to go and believe that I am cool.

My trip had 4 objectives, one of which wasnt met, I mean elections. So, with the strong believing in my ability and other stuff (had a long list of them) I went to National Conference AIESEC in Austria to run for VP there, took austrian train for the 1^st time in my life, and after 5h was in Vienna, met really nice people there, especially Julia, their VP TM, Mohcine, our chair and Alexa, who was running for my position. After 1^st day of being there, I realised that it is probably not the place where I have to be, and that besides me, there are 2 people here who really earn to take this position and I am just random person here (although very cool). During the MCP speach and party, wanted just get up and take 5h train back, to the place where I was wanted and waited for, the wish was really strong, but the word “challenge” stuck deep in my head and I was repeating: Come on, take your challenge, and tomorow you can return home. All people were really friendly but not a single one to whom I could trust, lay on shoulder hug, and share how much I was worring that evening and night, partied till 2, slept till 5, and 4h repeated my speach and got prepared, one hour stanidng in front of plenary, after that went back to my room, packed in everything ready to leave (after that thought : perhaps, I will be elected and will have to stay 1 day more for selections talks and party), then long 6h of waiting for the announcement, more of being tired than of expecting result, then already known feeling to me of staying dry in my head, and wet in the eyes, train to Innsbruck with 2 changes, to take challenge – done, and happy me in the place where I wanted to be the whole weekend through.

Happiness didnt last long, as me and Erkan, who supported me in applying, that is really strange, really lack communicating skills, then 24h of quarells followed, finished with my complaints to his mum (like kindergarden but still), packing my luggage, ready to leave and his wise proposal to go skiing, which really heals...

This year I really learnt to take challenges and strive for more, as since I torn my ligament in my feet 5years ago, I never tried jumping on skies again, skiied in the easiest tracks, just enjoying the process, and this park where we went I like for less people, good lifts, and easy tracks, which I know very well as ski there since 4 years, however, this time started to discover other tracks, going to red ones (which are more difficult), started jumping and wanted more... Got really a lot of adrenaline and also this pleasant feeling... Skiing really excites but at the same time calms down...

Tried a lot to contribute in the development of our relations with Erkan, really having strange times, one day paradise, the other is hell, still paradise is overcoming, and whatever happens, after 15 min wanna be again with him... Yes, we changed, changed a lot, and probably it’s even my fault (or initiative), but still... Postponed wedding.... Now am already thinking what for I did that... However... He’s coming in 20 days and we have finally common vision of our future ;) Really enjoyed time with him, and I really do love him...

So my trip was finished by a big shopping tour (winter sales forever) and this post in the airbus A-320.

Integrity - 5

I was just thinking what does it mean to be honest with people, and what does it mean to show your intergrity.
Many people are laughing at me or reproach me of being too honest sometimes, but what does it mean too honest?
Sometimes we just tell to the people what they dont wanna hear(although it's truth), and is it the way how to show our integrity? Is it how the Bilble prescribed us to do by saying: Do not lie...
I was thinking of it a few days ago and I realised that there are 2 ways of showing your intergrity: positive and negative....
For example, I liked the boy and he doesnt know I liked him and I try to be sensire and honest and tell to him about that, without lie, that's the positive side, but if somebody did something not well, or we didntlike something or somebody and we come up to this person and say I have nothing to hide from you: you are so..so so.... and I dont like that and so on....
Is it the thing we call integrity? Is it really needed and what will bring to us and to this person...The possible result we all know...And it'll not be the best... It's just the lack of empathy ( we dont care how the person will feel or think) and when we say that we are so proud of ourselves of being sensire... What forwe need that negative integrity? and do we really need it?
I realised it on wednesday evening, and I myself behaved not once in this way, even by writing this blog... And I started to observe my little lyings and truth what I say....
I told to Erkan about my plan to go to Austria, I watched the movie "nothing but the truth", the teenagers comedy, but it touched me till the heart...
Being sensire to people really brings you much, but if you are sensire in the positive way,
I have again the problems with visa, as I wanted to go to Conference in Austria, but the Consul called me for interview, I have a week and my mum told me to prepare, but I will not...
What do I have to hide? Nothing.... I'll just tell him the truth and let it be his decision....
Truth rules...
We'll see if it is right ;)

After the Congress

I became 23...
And I didn't apply for my 2 priority countries...
Cause am so weak?
Cause am dreaming of something better?
Cause I am afraid?
Katya was right saying that you need to be very strong person to apply, perhaps I am thinking too much?
Got so many sms and skype-msn messages before the deadline... Did you apply? Did you apply? Filled in application... and what? Hand is to weak to press "send" button, and with it to ruin my 3.5 year relations..
Are they alive still? Don't know... How can you be aware of it not seeing a person for 5 months, and quarelling with every phone call?
I made deadline for myself, the begining of February, that will be the month of changes, then I will make my decision. Upset cause of lost opportunities, hoping for the better...
University is forgotten by me... Big problems are coming, but I don't care somehow, feelings just overcome... I can't be productive...
NatCo was great, the best national conference of my 4 I attended...
I learned much of that, we do learn much of challenges...
Changed the attitude to many people, really to the good and positive, Nastya was right, everybody should forgive, and yet, we in AIESEC never mean to hurt, even if we do...
Celebrated my birthday in cold Siberia, thank you guys for congratulations ;)
Many people laugh at me for my way of communication with people, either I do love them either they are not in the best situation ;) At this Congress I loved people...
Vika gave me a lot of positive and nice time like every time I meet her. Really amazing person...
My team was also great and all that people at this conference made really an impact on me.. I returned from there really like from the other world.
To the world of reality, family, relations and university...
And made the decision to not apply for the whole year of being out of reality and enjoying the things...
Why?

Feelings

Feeling is the strange thing, it just appears and you can't manage it... With your head you understand that smth goes wrong and you try to deal with it somehow, cause all your mind and body do not listen to your head.... You start behave as a child... You don't know what to do...
And you struggle with it...
Struggling me ;)

Back from ACT

Think it became already one of the features of my blog – writing in the air... Am flying now from Sofia to Kaliningrad from 1-week experience in Bulgaria...

I feel really sad, that it’s over now, and that I have to return to my work and study in Moscow and even to my real private life... Although not everything happened like I expected I am thank full to @ in Bulgaria, and especially to Cebula by letting me to see diversity and how life can be...

Still I have several impressions that I want to share:

Sofia:

This city is really well architectured and as you may be know, most of all I enjoy different building and bridges from outside, walking through pavements and looking how old and new buildings unite together in the city, making eclectics all around. Although my study tour lasted just 2h in the last day of my being in Sofia, I managed to build an opinion about it, thanks to Ivo, VPF of one of Sofia LC, our guide;)

Still there were other stuff that I noticed in Sofia (Bulgaria): First of all are the prices, coming three I felt like a king, for 3 levas ( 40rubles) you may have grand cappucino with croussan in cafe or have for 1 leva (30 rubles) the full lunch in student cafeteria, take a taxi from airport for 6levas and visit restaraunt with all delicious dishes and drinkings for 16. Really amazing.

Second thing is roads or pavements that I thought can’t be more destroyed anywhere in the world than in Saratov, athough they could – streets are really not well asphalted (with many holes etc) and really dirty, people just don’t care and throw things on the ground. As for traffic then I couldnt get the secret of crossing the road (eg in Moscow you can do just in underground or strictly at traffic lamp, in innsbruck wherenever and whenever you want – the car would stop), here are no underground or traffic lamps (very rare) and cars just dont stop, just if our faci-team of 10 ppl tries to stay across the road.

Then comes the language. Here I felt really like home, bulgarian sounds so similar to russian, every billboard is in cyrillic, so I undrestand everything, all people whom you ask can speak russian and are eager to train their russian skills.

Food in Bulgaria is really cheap as I mentioned and different, here you can eat national turkish, bulgarian, russian or chinese food... However, you can never get WARM food, I don’t know but I ate in several different places and got EVERYWHERE cold food. I think it’s the normal degree for them, as when we, foreighners, asked why food is cold, many of bulgarians or people who live there longer wondered and said that it’s normal.

Next astonishing thing is mountains, the view is almost like in Innsbruck and as far as I’m crazy about it, I couldn’t stop enjoying the view...

In general, I liked Sofia and an idea of spending there next year of my life is going slightly through my head.

AIESEC in Bulgaria: is really different from AIESEC in Russia, first thing that is falling in my eyes is their wildness, especially wildness of parties, loads of drinking games, kissing competitions, number of couples matched, addictness to fun rather than to learning during the conferences.Alcohol at their parties is free and people do not stop parting till 5-6. That is really not like by us.

People (I mean new members) are not much different to russians, the same mindset, the same stereotypes, same shyness. So as I mentioned people are like home, although wanna notice our more result-orientedness, here people are mostly oriented at process, they like to share much and “develop”, bring smth positive and good and numbers are not at much value, also meeting by us in Moscow, for example are more constructive, we know what we should do and at what time and strive for it, in Bulgaria you can appoint meeting, spend some time for it and get 0 outcome (or like Michal, my faci-teammate) fruits of their work.

I was really amazed by Bulgarian MC, people with whom I had chance to communicate, especially Ivo, MCP, Stelli, VP ER and Iva, NST (Cebula is not counted cause she’s special;) are really great, they are so friendly, positive, they are so close to their members, communicating with them, parting with them them together, approaching them. Their hospitability and friendliness to us, faci-team, was really undescribable astonishing.

Their office is the same little like ours (local one) but situated in the central square opposite the house of goverment with monument to Russian tsar in front;) Amazing!

I think it’s so great to be the MC of such little country like Bulgaria, to have 6 LCs where the farest is 8h away, where national conferences are same big as our local ones almost, where MC knows every member of your national association, when they are so near to them, can contribute, not just by msn-chats and are really touching the results made.

That really made me think about my future under the different perspective, however, we’ll see. Thank you, AIESEC in Bulgaria by giving me this amazing experience.

My faci-team: It’s when I felt for the first time, that I am really, the part of AIESEC in CEE, even before ACT when we had our online-meeting, when we were telling good night to each other in every of 5 languages, it’s when we dont know English words, but understand each other in our native languages without translation, it’s when we all used to old and cold venues and not complaining of lack of comfort, it’s more or less same way of work, high level of common understanding, same values, same ideas, same attitudes....

And surely, same hard drinks, called in different languages, but tasting and effecting the same ;)

I really enjoyed the commitment of people to the conference with whom I worked, our common jokes, which we all understand, our integration night, 6 people in Cebulka’s little room, our pre-meeting in dance-room, our roll-call at night made in the narrow corridor whispering the words, we all showed support to each other... We were so different but at the same time so same...

And for sure our vocabulary invented:

Fachi = faci ( Ema, Romania)

Prolongator (prolojatore) = удлинитель (Malina, Romania)

Fruits (vegetables) of the work = outcome (Michal, Poland) and many others...

That easteRn EuRopean english accent sounds so funny.

Special thanks I’d like to tell to Adash (Poland), Iva (Bulgaria), Agus (Poland) and Tony (Bulgaria)....and Cebula for sure, you all, guys, made my conference to be unique, thanks for support, help, work together, sharings and ideas.... Where will be our next meeting point? Perhaps, St. Pete in April ;)

One, I love you CEE,

Two, A lil bit louder,

Three, I still can’t hear,

Four, more, more,more...

Now I understand the words of Araz : Growth Networks were actually created for Growth ;)

With such people CEE will grow for sure,

I’m a CEEtizen ;)

The ACT was an amazing XP for me, I realised it just after returning from there, after reading e-mails of my bastardinos team, again that reflection, those loads of sugar-cubes, and many – many thanks (almost in every 2^nd) for creating positive atmosphere... I can’t believe I do it (that’s really how I changed. Thank you, Katya;)

Still wanna back to ACT, and don’t wanna jump in the stream of my uni-matters and already tomorow @-training, meeting and so on....

How fast that week flew over....

This experience was really FACInating...

And then my plane already landed in Kaliningrad (ex-Koenigsberg), amazing Russian city, that’s really that I haven’t expected is warm reception of this LC.

Slava, VP X and Vika, LCP met me in the aiport and we went to bar, having pizza,beer and fun and I was really happy to talk to them, discussing strategies, people we know, X-results, gossips about MC... This evening was really filled with Joy, I just thought that I havent seen them since Summer and I even couldnt imagine how much I missed them, they are really cool people.

Slava has changed so much since May, he became more mature and solves every problem possible, Nari-Nari became so result-oriented and wise, but they still stayed Koenig-style, crazy people, enjoying fun.

I really couldnt stop being happy for this evening but it was just the beggining... Later on, I was supposed to oversleep by one of their interns, Lucka, and she just returned from Prague from conference and wanted to share and show me fotos, first she told me mainly about conference, how great it was and so on, and when she started with fotos, I saw Lukas there (we were in 1 home-group in ITC) and then Ira, really exctiting to hear so much about conference and then saw people whom you know and know their contribution, I was telling to her more of AIESEC and she became more and more amazed by that... So we discussed different things till 2 am, after all I got sugar-cube from her when I got up and breakfast, and when I arrived home got already e-mail of her... It’s how we just get so tightly connect to each other in AIESEC...

The owner of the flat, 80-year old woman, was telling me much about war-times and about Koenig as it’s the territory of the Germany in the past and belongs to Russia just after WWII, as I’m fond of history, I could listen to these stories since hours, how germans were put to carriages and sent away and how they returned in few years and searching by map their houses and returning there and so on.... But then Slava came to pick me up for Study Tour around Kaliningrad, so 2^nd astonishing study tour in 2 days, also not bad...

The city looked almost like I imagined, but 10 times nicer, old german houses almost everywhere, alleys, parks, monument, restored castle and harbour... The view is really great, architecture is incredible, so if you have chance to go to Koening, just use it, both of people and sightseeing.

My flight was supposed to be at 15.15, however even by sightseeing I noticed that it’s a kind of foggy, so the airport was closed the whole day and I had to wait 7h in airport till late at evening for my flight, returning after midnight to Moscow and taking taxi to dorm...

However, not for a single second in these 7h I doubted that Koenig didnt have to be visited...

Thank you Slava, Vika and Lucka for great hospitability....

Guys, if you have chance Koenig is a must to visit.